This has been a problem for a long time. I understand that eating disorders are notoriously competitive. Sometimes I come across a story about someone else with anorexia, and it immediately kicks up a major surge of anger and jealousy because she has been better at it than I am.

I know I shouldn't feel angry or offended, but I do. I know how insane it sounds. I feel like like I have to get even "better" at it than she is, otherwise everyone is going to care more about her than they will about me. I just want so badly to earn all the kindness and sympathy that she has, and I know I won't get it if I'm not as young and thin and severely sick as she is.

I feel like I have to constantly strive to be better than anyone else, and then I feel insincere because I'm not "naturally" as worthy as I should be. I feel like once I prove I'm worthy, I won't feel so horrible about myself or about others, but I never can. Why is this so hard for me when it's so easy for other people?