I total understand where you're comming from.
Even when I type I have to put *s in place of some of the letters. I can't stand looking at the word. I have huge panic attacks when I see or hear it. I sometimes scream at the person who said it or I start to cry or I stop breathing and just stare blankly

I'm sorry you feel this way. But it helps to know that you are not alone. <3 many hugs an love