GirlOfManyFaces,
Thank you so much. Even responding to this thread was hard Sometimes I wish my memory would be wiped clean so I wouldn't remember it. Lately it seems to be interfering with nearly everything in my day-to-day life. I've even started abusing my prescription drugs again, partly because of the high, and partly so that I don't think about it for a little while. If it does happen to enter my mind while I am high, it just doesn't hurt as much. I can only work on it in therapy in little bits and pieces, and when my therapist says that word, even though she tries really hard not to (sometimes it just slips out), I immediately dissociate; sometimes it takes a few minutes before I am fully "back." I wish that someday that word will be hardly ever used, because it won't need to be. Until then, I just try to avoid it as much as possible.
Hugs and Love to you, too.