I am not sure what has caused you such pain. Clearly it was pretty traumatic. And I am sorry you have suffered so.....

But speaking as a guy, I found this very hurtful. Not "personally" - but more that clearly somewhere in your past one or more guys have damaged you to the point that you are not allowed to be comfortable simply living in this world.

I hope you are seeking treatment. And I hope that someday you find that even though someone has clearly hurt you..... not all guys are like this.

I wish you peace, I wish you comfort in this world and eventually I wish you JOY as a person. You deserve that.