pj4101,

You mentioned he wrote you letters saying what you did that hurt him. Did you just apologize or did you "validate" what he said as things that would hurt someone?

If your approach was "I am sorry, poor me for not being able to leave an abusive relationship etc.", he will not respond. And to be honest, he is showing you the only thing he did learn too, making sure he had necessities and learn how to thrive without close loving relationships. Think about it, do you really expect him to just "know" how to do something that was not really given to him, shown to him, instilled in him? Which parent offered him a role model? If he leaned toward his father "the tough guy", then all he did is try to find ways to "protect" his low self esteem, not to develop healthy self esteem.

You cannot turn back the clock. All you can do is at least be a parent now, but that is allowing yourself to validate "his" hurts without expecting him to validate your reasons for your mistakes, and that can be hard. What he needs from you is "validation" and what you need to do is say "yes, you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you were often abandoned emotionally, that was wrong for you, that was unfair to you". And stop there, don't add in the "but I didn't know, or any poor me's". He doesn't want to hear about "you", and he is consistently expressing that to you. He only wants to hear "his needs, what he needed and was not given", he doesn't need to hear excuses or that you need him to "love you" when you really never did that for him growing up.

I am sure you are genuinely "sorry" and remorseful and have realized your own short comings through therapy and time. You are not alone with being challenged the way you were either, as you can see, others have come forward to let you know that.

You need to forgive yourself for just not knowing too. It is certainly not easy to get away from an abuser either, it certainly sounds like your ex was unpredictable and dangerous.