Hello Paula: Well... okay... I'll take a stab at this. First, just a bit about me so you know where I'm coming from. I'm in my middle 60's. I've been secretly transgendered all of my life. But I never undertook any kind of transsexual transition. I've lived pretty much a normal male life (considering all of my mental health problems.)

What I can tell you is that, for me, being secretly trans for almost my entire life, has warped my mental processes. Growing up when & where I did, admitting to such a thing would have been seen as dirty, perverted, & a sin against god. I learned very early in life that this was something I must never talk about & so I kept it a closely guarded secret. I suspect that your boyfriend has had a similar experience. He may or may not be trans himself. Perhaps he just does simply have an attraction for transsexuals. But, I can tell you from personal experience that carrying around that kind of secret deforms you. One might imagine it to be something like: "emotional leprosy".

You mention that you & your boyfriend have a great relationship. I would suggest that this is not at all surprising. I've been married for over 30 years. The fact that your boyfriend has this formerly hidden attraction probably makes him more sensitive than the average man would be. I believe it has in my case. Because he is so vulnerable himself, he understands & can sympathize with others to a greater degree than would a man who did not carry this kind of affliction.

It's interesting that you mention you are traditional. My wife is also traditional. She only learned my secret a very few years ago. She has done what she can to understand. But I also try to tow a pretty strict line in order not to do anything that would be embarrassing to her. Still it tears me up inside. At the risk of sounding boastful, I will suggest that not many men could endure what I endure. And, the older I get the tougher it becomes.

The currently accepted assumption, among transsexual individuals & professionals who work with them, is that if one is truly transsexual they are trans for life. It doesn't go away. This has certainly been true in my case. (Being gay also does not go away, I don't believe.) I would suspect, whatever lies beneath what's going on with your boyfriend, will not go away either. So it is likely, if the two of you stay together, this is something you'll be dealing with permanently.

My suggestion, assuming you want to try to make this work, is both you & your boyfriend should enter individual therapy. It's vital that your boyfriend figure out what this means for him. And it's also important that you explore your feelings as this process develops. Then, when you're ready, the two of you may want to participate in couples counseling. I wish I had better news for you. But, from my perspective, this is a can of worms. Approach with caution! My very bests wishes to you both...

P.S. The GOOD NEWS here is that what has happened has forced the door open to what is probably a terrible burden for your boyfriend. If I were talking with him I would urge him, in the strongest possible language, not to allow the door to close again.