Sometimes fantazising about how you will kill yourself can be cathartic. Most likely you don't want to die, but want the pain to stop.

Your hitting your head is a little concerning. After a while, it doesn't work as well, urging you to injuring yourself worse. There is definately an addiction facet to self injury. You chase that relief that you get when you hit, but when that no longer does what it did, things can get worse.

I cut for decades until two years ago. Like you, I had attempted suicide several times before. In the end, The cuts I was making were life threatening. They started out as scratches or small burns and went on to become horrible slashes that went deep into the muscle.

There comes a point where you find that although in the beginning you were in control of your behavior, it has turned around and the behavior controls you. By then it is very difficult to stop. You can get a release of endorphins in other, safer ways. Running, weight lifting, cardio. All will produce endorphins if you push really hard.

sam2