It is really helpful to hear that there are others who know what I'm going through. I don't feel like such an anomaly ...
Yes Yumi, my current relationship has been a source of much sadness and frustration rather than the support and understanding I would hope for. As I mentioned he is an addict who is very much in active addiction. Although I do care for him and I believe he cares about me to the degree that he is able his drinking and drug use have him acting very selfishly. Using comes before me and even his own child.
I agree that depression is a major reason I am settling for this bad relationship. It's hard to see myself of someone of any worth right now. Also as I mentioned I have no real friends at the moment and my entire social life sadly revolves around him. And as little comfort as that brings me I can't imagine myself being strong enough to give that up.
Zinco- the views on mental illness in AA are definitely all over the place. I have seen a lot of ppl leave the halls scared away by the polarizing opinions of certain ppl. this is such a tragedy. I have also felt the frustration of doing everything I'm told in AA and not seeing the grand dramatic results other see. many times when I express this to other AAs their only move is to scour my program for wherever i MUST b falling short! You can imagine how effective this ideology is for someone w self esteem problems! the idea that lack of results in AA comes from lack of working a good program is hard for me to accept. I used to have a sponsor that also struggled w mental illness and she was wonderful to talk to but currently she has "too much going on" to have me as a sponsee at the moment *sigh* so I'm looking for another one at the moment. At least to have someone I can correspond w daily
Thanks for your continued support all. -B