Went to the gym today... So i'm sticking to my exercise goals. Not doing as well with the healthy eating though. But i'm still proud of myself for starting to get active again.

I over shared a little with a coworker at lunch today. She is always talking about her kids, every detail and showing pictures etc. it's hard to be around that, but she is oblivious to that. We were talking about kids. and i was talking about how i don't know if it will happen for me, and she was trying to convince me that having a baby on my own is a good idea. I want a baby, but i don't think i can handle it on my own. I said that, and she kept saying it would be fine and it's so worth it, blah, blah, blah. People have no idea how hard it would be for me. Maybe i'm too selfish to be a parent, it's hard to say. I want to be a better person than i am, but i don't know how.

I want to try to adopt, ideally a young child but not an infant. I'm terrified of what pregnancy could do to my stability, so if i didn't have to go through that it would be best. But i'm 99% sure i wouldn't pass the mental health screening to adopt.

I feel like i am missing out on this huge aspect of life having no kids. I'm doing stuff now at 37 that i should have done in my 20s because i wasted so much time being unwell. I'm like a decade behind where i should be... I look really young, so everyone i meet assumes i'm a lot younger, but my body is 37, so time is running out.

I could just get my iud removed, and be reckless, and leave things up to fate.

Having a baby would make me want to stay stable and want to take care of myself. I don't have much motivation to stay healthy as things are currently, so i'm considering risky experiments like stopping meds and taking psychadelics. I'm very compliant with meds etc now, but i'm not planning to stay this way forever. I would be willing to stay compliant forever if i was a parent, but when it's just me stability seems like too big of a sacrifice.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk