I hope this is an okay place to post this, I have no idea what category this could fall under because I don't know what it is.

What kind of episode is this? I have no formal diagnosis besides depression and anxiety, but I've been told I have (and told I don't have) bipolar 2, BPD, and schizoaffective. I also have chronic derealization and depersonalization. I'm not on any medication and am between therapists (again).

Every so often, maybe once a month or so, I go into this odd state. I kind of emotionally flatline- I don't feel anything, I don't respond to anything, I have flat affect in conversation (of which there is very little) and my facial features feel like they're made of stone. If I attempt to smile it feels unnatural and strange. I also don't make eye contact at all. I am antisocial and hate being around anyone, I don't even want them to look at me. I can't stand being touched. I feel heavy and like I'm moving extremely slowly and mostly just lay in bed on my computer.

I also dissociate very strongly and my perception of the world gets strange. This is one of those things that has symptoms that are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. During these episodes I generally get obsessed with a motif- almost always stars and space or ghosts and graves, sometimes dark water. It's always something cold, distant, death-related. I will feel like I'm floating in space, or buried alive, or submerged in water. These are all phobias of mine, but during this time they have this disturbing sense of comfort to them. I generally mostly believe that I am dead. This sometimes leads to self harm, other times it staves it off because I'm already dead, what more can I do?

I usually have a very hard time believing the people talking to me are real. I often have a perception that I am a ghost, that my feet don't really touch the ground, that people look right through me, that my body is hollow and full of outer space and stars, that the room I'm in is the only thing in existence and everything outside is just empty space. The actual world will look even more distant and distorted than usual, which only makes it easier to believe what my brain feels. Everything feels wrong and untrue. I have brief moments where I blank out, so I'll end up holding something and not remember picking it up, or not remember standing up or opening a door. I also can just sit and zone out for a good period of time.

I am always aware that this is happening, there's always a tiny grip on reality somewhere, even if I can't see it. I often can tell that it's going to happen in the days leading up to it but there's never any specific trigger- although sometimes it happens after a stressful week. It will last anywhere from about 12 hours to 3 days and it takes me at least a week after to get back to a more normal headspace.

The psychologist who told me I had schizoaffective said she believed I went into catatonic psychosis at times, but I was under the impression that when you're in a psychosis you generally don't realize it. I recognize that you are not doctors and I will bring this up the next time I see someone, but I'm at the tail end of one of these episodes now and I am looking for ideas. Thank you.