My guy's name is Jay and we are both in our early 30's and grew up in similar environments. He grew up in a alcoholic home that was plagued with abuse and violence. He was beaten by his father and on one occasion had a cig put out on his lip. So in short he grew up with the feelings of guilt, fear, and powerlessness that accompany growing up in an alcoholic home.

Jay grows up and he likes girls ALOT ! He proably enjoys the feelings of intimacy and acceptance. He gets his High School girlfriend pregnant. He did not want to get married he wanted to go in the Navy and be a SEAL. But the girlfriend came from a religious family that put lots of pressure on Jay to "be a man" and to "do the right thing". So he was married at 18. The marriage went pretty much as you would expect given the emotional maturity and Jay at least had never even seen a healthy relationship modeled for him. Within 6 months they separated. Lesson Learned ? Not exactly. This is where it gets crazy.

Jay hooks up with this other High School girlfriend Sarah. By this time Sarah has quit school, been raped by an acquaintance and has an infant son. She very much identified herself as a rape victim. I don't say that to be mean I say that to highlight that it was a core aspect of how she viewed herself. Jay marries a month after his divorce from his first wife is final and adopts her son. They go on to have two children together. The relationship is good for a few years.

Then things start to go bad, job loss, losing a home, that kind of thing. She is a stay at home mom and she is angry with him and blames him for the financial issues. This starts verbal and emotional abuse. Telling him that he is a white trash piece of *****, that he cannot provide for his family. Given that Jay really did not have good relationship with his father his understanding of his worth of a man is how well he provides for his family. The situation predictably deteriorates, he is unhappy and wants out of the marriage but was financially burned by his first divorce and scared. Money is a constant concern because she still does not work. When I met him she had just started nursing school and that was his light at the end of the tunnel thinking that if she was employed that he may not be ordered to pay alimony.

I was navigating my own bad relationship and just kinda stepped into his mess and decided that I loved him and I would stick around and here we are.