Today has sucked in more ways than I thought possible.
Among other fun-filled events:
I told a doctor that I am experiencing pain at a level I can not consistently tolerate without either going insane or wanting to harm myself or BOTH, and instead of helping me seek a solution- which is in her power, being to aid me in getting emergency care- she offered vicodin... then tried to imply I was a drug seeker and shame me for the prescribed vicodin. Then I'm a jerk because I told her repeatedly to not even call it in as it isn't helpful, I don't like pain meds and I won't even pick it up.

I told her I couldn't eat at this point [because it is just like when I had cracked my tooth pretty much in half and exposed the raw nerve] and haven't slept. "Have you tried chewing on the other side of your mouth?"

...and it just gets better from there.

Today has been a whole lot of personal degradation and, while it is certainly not anyone else's responsibility what I am feeling at this point, I sorta kinda actually wish I was dead.

I'm not in danger, I'm not going to do anything drastic. But feeling like that is pretty terrible, and with the stress I've been experiencing over the past couple...weeks? Months? Not even sure now... it should really be no surprise that I see being dead rather than awake as a more positive state than facing all the really terrible experiences I've had today, piled on top of each other as they were.

Stuff just REALLY sucks right now, and I'm just not feeling like trying is anything worthwhile for the time being.

That is not my outlook on life, and I hate that I am not me.