Thank you for your replies.

It is true that my life is basically empty. I don't have hobbies or friends, I don't spend time with my family or go out in public. I'll have random days where I am suddenly really constructive and optimistic, but they are few and far between and ring false when they do happen. The chronic DPDR combined with social anxiety, lack of motivation and pleasure from the depression, self-loathing and unstable/unpredictable moods make it really hard for me to do much. I need a lot of recuperating time after doing anything social, even if it's just with my brother at home. The DPDR also prevents me from driving so even if I wanted to go somewhere I'd need to wait for someone to be able take me.

Because of the chronic DPDR nothing seems real to me, not even my family so it's hard to love them or feel much of anything towards them. I can't keep up with responsibilities or friendships because they're not real, there's no consequences and no real point to it. It's like it's all a Sims game, bad things may happen but the people involved aren't real so it never matters anyway. I'd say even on a good day when I wasn't in the middle of an episode I at most only half believe anything is really happening.

The funny part is that the things that do bother me and throw me into a tailspin are so miniscule- a bad haircut, a scratch on my keychain, the vent making a rattling noise while I'm trying to sleep. But then big things happen in my family- death of a cousin, family member's teenage pregnancy, sibling nearly losing their house, best friend gets married- and it just doesn't matter. I can't feel anything about it. I was such an overly empathetic, engaged child, I don't even recognize myself now.

I've been trying for over a year to find a therapist and a psychiatrist who can actually address my problems but everyone either sends me away because they don't know what to do with me or I have to drop them because they don't know either but prefer to flounder instead of admit it. This weekend I've actually had the unique experience of being turned down for an appointment over the phone because their coworker told them about my issues and they don't want to treat me. It's starting to feel like no one wants me to get better, like they're seeing if they can push me far enough to just outright snap.