Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
Goingtogetthere, I think it's great that you are friends like this with your ex-T.
But there are a few pieces of information missing here to really have a conversation that doesn't go: "Good for you! You proved us all wrong! :-)" OR "Well something is off about this!"
First of all, we don't know how long it has been since you terminated with your Therapist. Was it a few months ago or a few years ago?
|
Actually it's not our job to determine if it's right or wrong, nor was Goingtogetthere asking for an opinion. In the US, friendship with an ex-therapist is not referred to in either the APA Code of ethics or the ethical code for LCSWs, to name a few. There is no waiting period. (ETA: Of course, I don't know where Goingtogetthere lives...so yes I am making an assumption. My point is that ethical codes very often don't address friendship.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
Second, and please forgive me if I got that wrong - you say post-therapy friendships are possible but from what I gather, is this the first time you have seen her in a social situation? It sounds a bit like this when you describe how you talked to her for 20 minutes before you saw the movie and how it was not awkward.
If this was the first time you saw her outside therapy, then how can you call it a friendship? I mean, perhaps I am not getting the whole picture, that's entirely possible. Do you see each other a few times a month? Have you been at her house or she at yours for dinner or for a party? Have your friends met her?
What is that friendship like for you? A distant friend, a good friend, a close friend?
If it was the first time you saw her socially, how can you know that it works long term?
|
I have a few friends I met online as we both share the same hobby but live across the country from each other. I don't know that we will ever hang out, but that is what chatting, emailing, and the phone is for. And if you are into it, social media. I find your definition of friendship to be very narrow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
I don't think that anybody really said that post-therapy friendships are impossible. But there are very real ethical problems if we would make it a broad suggestion that "Post-therapy friendship is absolutely fine and possible and there's nothing wrong about it"
Because the problem is not in the friendships that do work out - it's in the hundreds of thousands of friendships that do NOT work out.
|
Goingtogetthere never said that all friendship with every ex-therapist is fine. They were sharing their own personal story, which by no means implies that. And hundreds of thousands? Wow...that seems a bit extreme. I would think it's more likely that these friendships are not pursued at all by a lot of therapists, not that they "don't work out."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
So you're lucky - you Ex-T likes you enough to be social with you. What about those she doesn't like enough? So you're able to have a balanced friendship - what about those clients who are not able? What about those clients who want the friendship out of entirely different reasons, like simply not wanting to let go? What if a client knew their therapist was friends with another ex-client but isn't very interested in having the same friendship with them?
What if the client has some kind of obsession for the therapist (Which, let's face it, is not very uncommon!) What if the friendship happens and in a moment of need the client friend wants to have the therapist help them, not the friend who might react differently?
|
Therapists are supposed to be ethical (and of course, not all are). I would hope that most are when deciding what friendships to pursue once termination with a client has occurred. I don't think that a therapist decides to be friends with an ex-client just because he or she "likes" another more (it's not like kickball in elementary school). Hopefully the therapist has weighed the client's best interest as well as his or her own when making a decision. I imagine a certain amount of connection and rapport has been established in the therapeutic relationship that the therapist has determined can be continued in the friendship and be beneficial to both sides. Again, I don't see why Goingtogetthere should be held responsible for explaining the friendship they have with their therapist..."what about those she doesn't like enough?" I don't understand your point. All of your "what ifs" are up to the therapist to evaluate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
So yes - there is always an exception to the rule - but these exceptions have to be treated like this - exceptions, not encouraging others that this is something to pursue and giving the impression that it's totally fine.
You make a judgment of sorts when you say:
"What I grapple with is the fact that so many on this board think it's wrong, unethical, damaging"
You know, these things can go horribly wrong, can be incredibly damaging and can go in incredibly unethical ways. And the truth is - in the majority of cases they DO go wrong!
There are only VERY FEW success stories around even in therapist circles, as I have found out from my therapist (who knows almost every T in my town) where a balanced friendship did happen. And these very few balanced friendships happened years after therapy ended. I believe her and I can absolutely see the downfalls of this.
|
An ex-client can always "pursue" (I am going to define that as "ask for") friendship with an ex-therapist, but it's up to each therapist to set the boundaries and to determine what is best in the situation.
I agree that there are probably very few cases where balanced friendships happen, but I think it's because they were never tried at all, not because they went "horribly wrong." Unless you have done an actual study, you have no idea that "the majority of cases do go wrong."