Have you talked to him about how you perceive his attitude and seeming lack of effort and "downer" :-) words? I think you have to start communicating rather than just going on what you think and feel? You have to confront him and tell him about his contradictory words (he sees how hard you are working and you feel good but then says he doesn't see how things can be better). Have you asked him how "better" would look to him? He could just be lost and scared; you are working hard and doing better but he doesn't know how and is ashamed or something.

I would try to work directly with him, learn to get specific and tell it like you see it both good and bad. Have you told him you are just going to see what he does and if he does not "try" according to your unknown-to-him specifications, you aren't hanging around? Sounds like you each have your own ideas and agendas of what trying to make it work is and you are not telling each other your agendas. I don't think just doing what the therapist says like a good client can work; it isn't a contest to see who can be the best partner; I believe you are supposed to be talking to your husband and working with him on what the therapist suggests, seeing if it is a good idea for the both of you.

My husband's first wife sounds like your husband a bit. She kept complaining to my husband that he did not make her happy. It is never another person's job to make a person happy. One runs into too many unsolvable double-bind situations one can't win that way. When I was a child my brother trapped me that way by telling me I was "wrong" handed; I am left-handed but was too young to understand and was only seeing the right/wrong scenario.

What would you like your husband to do, specifically? Tell him. But think about it so it isn't something like, "I would like you to take the trash out every night without my asking you to." While that may need to be said, I think there are a lot more interesting and life-affirming words that could be said first? What we want is not the other person's problem. If we want the trash taken out, we can ask another person to do that but it is our job to get what we want. I love my husband and want him around for himself, regardless of what he does around the house; my soul feeds on his sheer presence near me, LOL. He was raised differently from how I was and his mother did not teach him the same values as mine taught me. I look around for what chore needs doing, what is out of place; I'm female and was raised and am able to look for such details. My poor husband, I routinely plan major surprise parties for him when he is sitting not 10 feet from me and he's clueless.

You have to talk to him! What he thinks, feels, and wants is not imaginable unless you are him. Likewise, he cannot imagine what you think, feel, or want unless you tell him, spell it out, make it clear who you are. First, you have to know you; then you share you with another and get to know them a little bit. That's what communication is all about. It takes curiosity, imagination, acceptance of responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, wants and actions and the ability to let the other person "be" who they are and where they are at this moment.

When my husband disappoints me, doesn't notice the overflowing kitchen trash can, I think to myself: You can live alone and take out the trash, or you can live with the love of your life and have his talents (he is a wonderful provider, much better than I was/can be for myself) and take out the trash.