It all comes down too, when I'm more than capable to do things that other people do or things that people know I have done and can do. My parents, family, friends, so on it's like they forget I even exist, and when I choose to do a task or be apart of something they forgot I was even there or even can do something. When I get mad or upset bout it I get shoved away expected to feel I'm supposed to be happy and glad that it's like this and of course it makes me so mad, but it's not fair how I have to work way harder for almost always either getting promised barely anything or nothing and someone else in their circumstance gets everything for doing nothing or little of anything. I have a sister who doesn't get anything from my parents, but she has something I wish I did have support friends, people who put more than anything for her, people who like her and put theirs lives in front for her. I have friends who do that, but only part time, if I was a girl though it would be different, if I was born a girl, I wouldn't have this issue.
It makes me soo mad, I have to have a pretty face or lots of money or something so stupid people think is what perfect nice people are have and then they give them everything, but when it comes to my kindness my effort to work at a job hard to be with friends support my family and follow my dreams. I'm always overlooked and never credited for what I can do, instead what I didn't do. So I feel like anything I work for is all for nothing, when I dated girls before I had 8 failed relationships they mainly failed for 2 big reasons, the first one is they were either far away and they were ****** people, but I got close to some of them physically and emotionally when we met up a lot, but the biggest reason is I settled for less instead of working for what I want and waiting which I'm going to do indefinitely.
I never want a relationship, because their are so many girls I like, but the problem is their head is so far up their *** even the really nice ones, but they do some *****y ****** things to people instead of standing up for me and herself being honest saying I'm not interested. Instead she rather keeps quiet and expects me to get the hint, I get it, but it's like she rather show me how much she doesn't like me instead of telling me the truth, but whatever I can throw that away no big deal, the thing that gets me I have friends who have a natural affluence of others or seem altruistic to girls or other friends, because they act so stupidly and people confuse it to being cool. I swear, I hate being intelligent and knowing everything I suppose not really I believe I know everything, but it feels like I do. It makes me so mad that people never understand me, never understand what I'm saying or my humor, I have to dumb myself down to relate to anyone and when I do it's more than degrading. I hate people, I can't trust people, I can't do anything except wish I wasn't here, because people rather cause me harm from what I'm almost constantly exposed by example of being a target for abuse and shame, because I'm different.
I don't think I look that ugly, but damn, I'm treated as I am. I don't know if I have the worst luck or looking in the wrong places, because I went from volunteer places, churches, clubs, hookah bars, friends, networking, work, but very seldom I ask out girls in public. I can't usually act like myself at first, because I feel and know from trial and error I stopped talking much anymore, because get either overwhelmed or don't understand what I'm saying because I speak on a higher level than most, I hate trying to explain things so thoroughly because you have to go through it to know it.
I'm very good with words if I know how to be someone else, the problem when I'm myself at first instead of being myself on the official date etc, because people don't like me as a me. It's been shown time and time again. I'm not an asshole I don't disrespect people and put myself in front of others I truly care even my enemies, but I'm at the point that I don't care to do anything, because people rather have as a meat shield and take advantage for some benefit to show no gratitude.
My trust has been broken to the point it's not even worth bringing back together, I've seen there is no reason for me to trust anyone. I only wanted a girlfriend not as some person to keep me company or make me happy, yeah that's nice, but I'd rather have a person who truly knows me over everyone someone who puts me first than I put myself to harm myself for others, someone who knows bout me enough to help me on my hindsight. I wanted a true friend who could do that, but I don't and never have. I hate it, it's so degrading to be sexually abused male who thinks completely different than other people too almost the point of losing my reality in schizophrenia like symptoms with bi polar reactions to irrelevant things. It's very frustrating no middle ground, I'm not bi polar because I have a mental health issue, they don't see I'm hurting, because I'm never getting what I need is true love, but that's not all I need that and sincerity and someone at least I can trust more than I ever had. I never had it, and I'm still going through this torment.
I mean I wasn't given any mercy or anything I had no one to really cry on to I had to go to other people growing up and pretend that's my mom who cares or my dad who pays attention and not some apathetic asshole who only wants to watch sports. I don't have that support I needed despite the things my parents gave me and my sister, I appreciate that and I know it's the only form of love they can show, but other than that I've always been unhappy, because I've been unloved haven't been shown that I should be alive or be cared for instead I'm either ignored or used and beaten like a wash cloth. I'm either growing up emotionally abused, sexually abused, physically abused and so on it jumps to between sexually and physically while being emotionally abused for all my life.
The thing on here or in public or anywhere people say you're lucky you don't have this and try to make me look so ungrateful is so insulting to me, because I'm still going through this hell and it's like saying, my abuse was all for nothing and my gratitude to keep it together is all for nothing, because I'm no more viewed as a worm to everyone. I didn't do anything to them, or say anything, it's the fact I'm existing makes some weird reason I should be treated like **** and for people say you should be ashamed of yourself, I tell them **** you, because the should stop judging others and worry bout themselves. I'm medically falling apart now, and I don't want to die here with these imbeciles, but anything I dream or aspire even in death or dying it won't ever be fulfilled, because there isn't enough money isn't enough time etc, I'm not worth enough of anything that's how it is, and when I confront them they try to get out of it like they know I'm on them. It's sad that my parents my friends or anyone has to do that and assume I have to be put away or on medication or whatever so I'm far away and not ever to be safe or loved that I needed.
I don't care for anything material, I don't care for any God, I don't care bout any problem in the world, because I find it's so stupid that people invest so much energy bickering and making **** up to make an issue out of nothing to feel like it's good for the body. I'm tired being forced to enjoy this anguish like it's my breakfast lunch and dinner. I want to be free and be myself, I am tired being sexually oppressed and my opinions on anything suppressed. I'm tired of trying to fight back and when I do people don't understand and look at me like I'm a monster. It's why I want to do die throughout my later childhood teen years and now young adult hood it's that even if I got better myself and which I did emotionally and wiser. No matter what happens internally I will always be alone, because everyone won't change when they expect me to be molded into some cookie cutter idol everyone wants and when I just want to be me and I don't care. That's what I'm going through.