Well, when I started therapy I doubted it would work on me--mainly because I didn't really want to get better, I didn't want to do the work. I had this mistaken belief that therapists had this magical ability to take your pain away and make it all better; as if your past never happened. Sometimes I still expect my T to have a solution that would make the past disappear. It was hard admitting to the fact that T's don't come equipped with magic erasers; almost impossible. It used to drive me insane, what good was therapy if I never feel better?! Surely they were meant to make everything okay again, that's what they got paid for.

So as you can imagine the first 7 months of therapy didn't do much for me. At first I didn't want to talk to her, it was awkward. I didn't know this person, which made it a bit easier to tell my story to, but also made me self-conscious, what if she doesn't believe me? I always worried about that. I hardly opened up to anyone, sure I could tell my story, I tell it devoid of feelings. But to give her access to my most vulnerable parts? Parts I had let no one see in fear of being mocked and attacked to a point where I shatter? I didn't let her in. It took forever before I bonded with her, and when I did I went out of my way to get attention from her. I so desperately needed a mother figure. We did a lot of work and self-discovery, but it wasn't helping because I wasn't trying. I wasn't trying to not be suicidal, to stop from cutting, burning myself. I was actively trying to die regardless of what was said in her office.

It was only when she referred me to a residential facility that things began to change. She made it clear what my choices were, she'd find another therapist that could meet more regularly with me or I could move into residential facility and see her so I'd have transportation for me, along with the support that I needed. I chose my T. And I moved into the residential home that treats those with mental illness and substance abuse. I still saw my T. I was being reparented in the group home, taught to be independent while shown love is from the staff (Though they aren't supposed to love us, but you can imagine it happens).

My T and I continued our work, but I entered a very dark time 2 months into the program and I nearly ended up dead. I was so mad and frustrated with myself because it had been 11 months of therapy and I was getting WORSE; I know it was my fault but it was so hard to change. It was really after this that I became stronger, I had so many people surrounding me in fear I'd do it again, they became over-protective and checked in on me throughout the day, my T and I worked on my conflict resolutions, setting boundaries and limits, recognizing that it wasn't my fault, coping with emotions and my self-esteem.

The house also worked on my self-esteem. And now I feel valuable, I feel I have importance as a person, I matter and count. I didn't really recognize how well I was doing until I sent this email to my mentor this morning:

"I’ve made a lot of progress, a part of me is worried that this is just the up period after my depression—I have a cycle I will be depressed for a year or two then have a couple months of being in a good mood and seeming to get very well fast and then after 3-4 months diving back into a depression—so part of me is worried this up period is part of the cycle, however I feel even if it is I can somehow deal with the depression when it comes on again; at least in a healthier way. Everything is just choices isn’t it? I don’t have to choose to let my emotions have free reign and let them control my actions. I can choose to let my actions lead my emotions. Though that’s easier said than done as I know well. I know one thing for certain, when I came in here I had such low self-esteem, I thought I was worthless, I felt I had no value, I felt ugly, too fat, stupid because I couldn’t get my life together, everything seemed so easy for everyone else, I’d sit in class and look around and feel completely alienated from everyone like I stuck out. I felt not good enough for anything. I kept messing up, stumbling over my own feet and words.

I never thought I’d feel any differently, the staff knew how I felt about myself, how I hated me. Now though I feel different, I feel like a human, that I deserve love and respect; that I am better than how I use to be, better than the petty spitefulness, bitterness, and my immature ways. I’ve learned how to walk away, to think about a situation and react accordingly, instead of just going with my feelings immediately. I have value, I’m a good person with work that needs to be done. But I have potential, I am smart, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The staff think I’m special, smart, capable, potential, better than I think I am, that I’m a good leader. I matter. Angela and I had our one year anniversary this March, she asked me what I felt was different than when I came to see her. I felt like I’ve been through a lot more stuff than when I first came to her, but I feel better, that I have tools now that I can utilize, where before I didn’t. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here at the group home, wouldn’t have the foundation I have now. We got talking about my family and I can’t remember just what it was but they had done something to me and Angela goes, “Why do you think they did that to you?” and I go, “I don’t know, there must be something wrong with them.”

Both of us just smiled after I said that, it was an Ahah! Moment. I never seen her actually show facial expressions in reaction to something I said (besides confusion when she didn’t understand what I was trying to say). But for once I got a smile, I have always attributed everything my family did to me as a fault of my own, like I’m defective and I always said something must be wrong with me. For once though, without thought, I said it had to be them and not me, which was a huge step for me! I feel so much more free, lighter than I have in a long time, I actually believe I can do things rather than doubt myself every day. Kathy, the director at the group home, says I should be able to move out soon I’m doing so well. She put me back on the self-med procedure and I have to do well with that then she will write up my referral to move on to my own apartment with them. I’m a bit nervous about that but with everything I’ve been overcoming I can do this, a big help is knowing I can come to them, turn to them at any time in my life for emotional support. They promised they’d always be my family. So now I have people that are my own."

I just wanted to share, to show that there is hope. It gets better even if it doesn't feel like it.