Ok yes the title was meant to be funny and facetious because that is kinda who I am. I have been on this self help journey I suppose and this week I am finding out that I am NOT who I thought I was and I do not know what to do with this information.

I thought I was this loving steadfast person that gave her all in relationships even though it left me feeling anxious and too dependent on my lover. I thought I kept getting mixed up with men who couldn't or wouldn't commit. Yeah...that so not the case. The picture that is emerging now is that while I want a loving intimate relationship more than anything I am always afraid to have all my eggs in one basket so to speak and I never fully commit. I always make sure I have an exit strategy or someone waiting in the wings. This, I believe is interfering in my relationships more than anything and I am not really sure how to cut this out.

My boyfriend Jay is still living with his soon to be ex wife because of financial issues. I don't like this, I want this done with, I want him to live with me. I want our collective stuff to reside together. I want my bathroom to the place he is most comfortable pooping. I want my place or a place we have together to be "home". Until he comes to live with me no where is home, I may as well be living in a hotel.

When I think about the problems or issues in the relationship this is the issue I always go back to. How can I feel safe if we don't share a home ? How do I know you are really going to be there? How do I know this will ever be over ? But, emotionally this man has greatly expanded his comfort zone to try and reach me on an emotional level where I am most comfortable and he is not all comfortable. He has opened up to me and tried to find the words to share his feelings and this is a HUGE deal for him. This represents compromise. Maybe he cannot change his living situation right now but he has put effort into us.

Me? What do I do? I insist that I love him and all I want is to go to bed with him each night. But anytime I get mad at him or lose faith that this will work out I chat up other guys. Its like I want to know that if this all goes awry I will have someone's arms to run into. This is preventing me from fully investing myself in the relationship that I am in. This is NOT the person I thought I was. This represents a complete upheaval in the way I have viewed this romantic entanglement. I have been thinking "all I need is for your to leave your wife, give me unequivocal concrete proof of your commitment to me" do that and I will be peachy. But I am not really committing to him. He and the wife sleep in separate bedrooms and I flirt when guys when I am scared. I will go out of my way to find someone to flirt with. Looking back on it I have done this in every relationship I have ever been in. I am like some sleazy commitment-phobic guy like the characters played by Vince Vaghn or something. How do I stop this ? This is the relationship I want, if I get hurt I just get hurt but I want to give it all I have and not just phone it in.