I have almost no memory of my session last week. I remember going in, having trouble articulating what I wanted to say and feeling really frustrated and upset. But that's kind of it. I do not remember what I was trying to talk about, I don't remember what T said about it, I just kind of have this heavy, sad feeling about the whole thing. It almost has a dreamlike quality about it--like little tendrils of smoke that I'm trying to grasp. I also remember wanting more than anything to put my head down and go to sleep on her couch.

Yesterday I had therapy again and felt this unusually intense horrible foreboding before my appointment. I had to go splash my face in bathroom and try to quell this nausea and panic before going in to see her. We talked about the anxiety and the fact that I couldn't remember last session for awhile and that was okay enough but what I wanted more than anything was for her to tell me what happened last time. I didn't ask her directly because I can be weird like that in therapy. I have a super clear need that I may or may not be conscious of and I then want T to guess what I need so I don't have to ask and risk being disappointed. My T is lovely and skilled in many ways but is decidedly mediocre at the whole psychic mind-reading thing which really sucks for me. (She doesn't have a magic wand or a crystal ball either and sometimes I feel that for what I'm paying she could give a little more than just empathy and insight. Ya know?)

So she brought up something that we'd talked about a few sessions ago and I was totally relieved to have something to grab onto. It wasn't the easiest subject but it's something we've talked about from lots of angles before and it's not the most pukey/anxious/shameful thing for me so I felt comfortable enough running with it.

Then I left and I felt upset and hugely disappointed that she hadn't remembered (I assume) what had happened in the previous session. Also I wished I'd asked her flat-out. I feel this odd, detached, kind of "not real" sense about the whole thing and wanted her to fix that for me.

This happened one other time that I can remember (almost 2 years ago) and it played out much the same way. The first time was actually so intense that I found myself lying on a park bench fifteen minutes after therapy had ended and wasn't really sure how I'd gotten there.

Has that kind if thing ever happened to you guys? Did your T fill in the blanks for you? Why does that happen?