First, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

While I can't say I know you personally, I don't believe you are a bad person. You may have gone through a bad time and may have hurt some people, but we shouldn't let those situations define our lives. I could say the same thing about myself and I don't believe I'm a bad person. I am positive you have redeemable qualities AND you deserve a life of friendships and happiness.

I think you need to really look at your relationship with this guy. You said you still have affection for him. I can understand that, but is it because you fear being lonely? What is driving this relationship and is it healthy?

I think you need to at least try to make things right with your friends if you believe these friendships are important to you. Think about the things that you said or did, and why. Did you really mean them? Where you just trying to agree with your male friend? Did you not know how to respond or where you afraid to respond because your friend would have been upset with you?

Once you're able to figure these things out, you can ask your friends if you can talk to them so you can let them know how important their relationships are to you and to explain what was happening. Invite them to meet you at a coffee shop or restaurant, someplace that is neutral. If you're uncomfortable confronting them face to face, craft an email saying what you want them to know. I caution you on sending an email only because if things don't go well you don't want them to use it against you.

When we find ourselves in these situations they don't need to be the end of our relationships. Good friends will understand. I wish you well.