I came into therapy kind of understanding the concept of transference. But I expected it to be the more well-known positive transference stuff. I expected all those lovely feelings of care and comfort, etc... But instead I got negative transference. I know my T is amazing, but sometimes, I dislike therapy and my relationship with her. The transference is all fear-based, and makes me so terrified all the time.

When I am most anxious, afraid, and suspicious, I believe she is just trying to make me comfortable so that she can turn around and hurt me more. When it's less severe, I believe she will abandon me as soon as I annoy or frustrate her. I feel like I am constantly on the precipice of being rejected and left alone, like always. It's terrible.

I can't just trust her or relax or accept any kindness shown to me. I believe it is all a mask to inner hatred of me, or at least disdain. I feel like she tolerates me at best, or downright loathes me at worst. There's no way she can have any sort of kind feelings for me.

Ugh! I want to think happy thoughts, not live in constant terror!