To start off, I am 22, a senior in college, and am trying to figure out what to do with my life after this is all over. I almost feel like my life is truly just based on affirmation and achievement rather than actual engagement with what is going on around me. I have felt terribly disconnected for a few months now (this is not the first time in my life I have felt like this). I have been seeing a psychologist for about a month and a half now, which helps to a certain regard.

My reason for posting is because everyday is a struggle for me. I feel like I am always on the edge of tearing up. My mother called me yesterday and said, "I feel like I am more excited for you to graduate than you are", which is completely true. I have no motivation to move past my current state because I really do not know how. My anxiety bites at me everyday, which makes it rather difficult to go through schooling, working, and pretty much everything else. I have used and abused drugs in the past and I have been trying to stop all of these habits. I have been a habitual marijuana user since 16, stopping for months at a time but I seemingly always go back to it.

I get deep pain in my brain and find myself counting my heart rate a few times a day. I constantly have to keep my mind off of crying and crawling up into a ball. I feel disconnected because it seems to me that I always put on a "mask" to fit in with my roommates, family, girlfriend, etc., which is definitely not how I want to live my life. I come out of my "shell" for minutes, hours at a time, but everyday is just another struggle for me to get by with these deep feelings of overwhelmed guilt, shame, and anxiety from my daily activities. I feel even worse when I compare myself to others who seem to be doing so well internally and externally. My memory seems to be fading everyday (I do not know if that's because I am telling myself that) and it makes me even more anxious. I have gone to the emergency clinic because of a so-called panic attack, even though I really thought it was me having a heart attack. My heart has also been acting extremely strangle lately, so I set up an appointment for tomorrow with a cardiologist to make sure that all my feelings are in my head rather than physical troubles.

I know this is more like a rant about how I am feeling, but honestly anything helps. Thank you in advance