Okay,

So we did it today. And it was weird, and uncomfortable but at the same time really interesting.

I got to "talk to" two different parts of myself. One part of me who wants to change, and the other part of me that actually doesn't want to change at all.

Most of the time the "not wanting to change" part wins out in my mind.

But I got to dialogue a bit, with T playing a good role in mediating and asking me questions to guide stuff I could say myself.

At the end of it though, I still want to change - but I don't know if I'm quite able to.

The rest of the session I had a breakdown and he was stuck with me for an extra half an hour because I couldn't deal with what I was feeling. His approach deals with learning how to deal with your emotions and whatnot, and interpersonal relationships. Why he has to keep repeating that I'm allowed to cry and allowed to feel stuff is beyond me ... but I'm not "getting it". He gave me some numbers to phone if I ever want to talk with someone, he actually looked worried about me. I felt sorely bad about that. Not like I could ever talk to someone I don't know, but the thought that counts I guess. I seem to keep going over the same stuff over and over, and each time it still hurts a whole bunch. When am I ever going to feel like I'm not a bad person, or that I'm allowed to be angry or sad, and when will I stop feeling like I'm being abandoned by everyone?