HH thanks too for replying.

When you say that you realize that feeling this way is projection or transference, how does that affect the dynamics between you?

It's not always projection/transference, but when it is I do catch it fairly quickly. Now it is usually before the session is even over. It puts a temporary strain on our communication because initially T perceives it as criticizing or attacking her, so she gets a tad defensive. I am able to diffuse the situation now, but before it would cause ruptures.

Do you then more or less 'blame' yourself and stop feeling angry at T, or do you just end up squashing your angry perceptions and not going into them?

I never blame myself necessarily...because I'm not doing it intentionally or consciously. I used to blame myself. Now I realize it is an emotional defense and it is going to happen now and then. Sometimes I throw these perceptions out the window and don't verbalize my realizations of transference/projection. Usually I do admit to her, however, and then apologize.

And how does it hinder you getting the most from your sessions, do you mean that if you felt more kindly disposed towards T, he'd be warmer and more accepting towards you and you'd get more done? I can understand anger really getting in the way of making connection, but I also have to wonder whether the condition of getting the most out of therapy being dependent on getting rid of or hiding one's anger is healing at all. Just thinking aloud here, because I've spent a lot of my life hiding anger and being unable to work with or express it...

YES. Yes...I do feel this way. You actually put the exact words to my feelings I haven't been able to verbalize and I want to give you a giant hug for it. lol I do feel like my disposition affects her warmth and level of empathy toward me and what I'm telling her. I am definitely going to address the topic of anger with my T in the next few sessions. I never want to feel as if I have to hide it and I am not allowed to work through a certain emotion.

I think a lot of what I'm feeling is transference, and I'm for sure repeating patterns from the past (trying to get from an ungiving 'caretaker' all that sort of stuff...) BUT my anger is real and my perceived reasons for it are real too so it's almost impossible for me to dismiss it all as 'just' transference. My healing wish is for T to let me go right into the rage against him and validate and accept it as ok - I'm 100% convinced that that is the magic bullet for me. But of course, if it were a piece of cake to express said rage and even allow myself to feel it, I wouldn't need the therapy in the first place probably. BIG SIGH anger is the most villified of all the feelings and the most unwelcome in therapy. It's a problem alright.