Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
Are you certain that your wanting to do the hard work isn't a defense against feeling the fear and sadness? Perhaps what you're reading as a weakness in her is her attempt to break a defense.
Maybe a conversation you need to have with her is about why you feel a need to do this emotional work at this time in your life. What are you trying to achieve? What benefit does it give to you?
I've never faced any particular threat to my life, but I have lost friends very close to me. My experience of my feelings and theirs as they articulated them at those times was that the past and its issues simply held no emotional importance anymore. What was important was the present moment, as created in the present. And from that, they seemed to derive a peace. And I think I did as well.
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You are right - there are a lot of things that are not so important to me any more. Some things I know I will not be able to resolve any more and that's fine. But for me specifically, I always was a person who was independent, resilient, strong, stubborn and never wanted to accept victim status. And that's how I want to leave. I want to leave some things behind that I don't care to take into the grave with me. I have this strong desire to be free from certain things before I leave and these things involve some hard work. And I am determined to do this work. But my therapist seems to think I am too fragile now to do this work and it makes me feel weaker than I am. I have said before, if therapy ended right now, I would be fine with it - but not because I am done with my issues, much more because I feel I have grown a lot. But I am not done yet.
Yes, I am sad and I am absolutely terrified at what is to come. I have huge difficulty to let go of this life. And I could talk about how sad I feel and how scared I am all day if I wanted to. But that just wouldn't be me. I need to reach certain goals in my life, I need to know I have done everything I could.. I don't know how much sense that makes..