Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
I think possibly you are defending against feeling grief for yourself at what is to come, and all the waves of sadness and fear that are possible with that. You are amazingly strong and upbeat, Amelia - a life force. But that doesn't mean that you are immune to painful emotions. You are human, you are facing in real-time what I call the paradox of consciousness. Sadness, and yes, fear, are going to be part of the package for us all in that situation, unless something like dementia is unfolding which keeps us oblivious. I have held the hands of two key figures in my family when they went through this; one who had razor-sharp cognitive skills right up until the end. He was an older man, with a very firm faith, he would have said he was ready to die for many years. He still experienced fear at the end, and that was totally okay and we were glad to be able to give him comfort. In ways, that fear allows you to accept the humanity and kindness of others in a way that denying it does not.
I think your therapist is softly trying to make you aware that she is willing to metaphorically 'hold your hand' through all this. That is an amazing gift, and a great honour to both you and her.
I hope my words are not out of turn (this is an area I feel strongly about, so I may have a few blind spots) please tell me if so and I will delete this post.
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Not at all are you out of turn. I like you a lot and your input means a lot to me. And I can see what you're saying. I think you are right too, I don't want to grieve, I don't want to be sad and I don't want to feel afraid. Yet I still do and there is nothing I can do about it.
BUT, I also want to feel like the person I am. And giving in into all the sadness and fear is just not like me. I NEED to be strong and I have huge trouble with not being strong. I guess, this might be one of my original issues - I always thought I had to be strong, because in my moments of weakness I was taken advantage of, was hurt and abused. Or, when I allowed myself to be weak, I didn't get the compassion I wanted or needed so I decided that relying on my strength was my way to go.
Perhaps you have a point more than I'd like to admit.
Because I am getting weaker and there is nothing I can do about it. Perhaps that it why I am trying to stay in control of something here. But then again, is that wrong? What can I control still in this situation? Very soon I will have to depend on people to do almost everything for me and I HATE that thought so very much!
Thanks, that definitely makes me think.