Rather than start another thread and have people forced to see more of me and because I feel like a nuisance doing that, I'll just complain here.

*TRIGGER*

***************************TRIGGER***********************

Please be careful

My life is no longer together, I can't pretend to be fine when I am not. I feel like I'm breaking around the edges and there's nothing to prevent me from going over the edge. I just need a reason to make my life a little more difficult by using a bad coping-mechanism and wind up back where I was a year ago. The same bleeping spot. Still have the bad thoughts, the emptyiness, loneliness, and desperation. I can't do this anymore. I think I'm losing my mind. I can't keep lying to people around me. They've already figured it out. I have not enough self-esteem to think of, and the bad cognitive distortions are winning. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm still alive (and will stay that way, I will not slip that far again) and that my friends aren't going to get sick of me and leave me when I need them the most. If I can even tell them I need help, without lying to them. Must protect myself from everyone else, protect them from me. Better for me to keep my mouth shut then hurt or burden another human being. Besides, all I've ever been afraid of is that if anyone actually gets to know who I really am as a human being (if they were to get to know what I thought and felt) that they'd leave me. I don't want to be abandoned again. I'm sick of being left alone and hurt simply because I'm different. I know I don't exactly make it easy for people to put up with me and that I generally try to go out of my way to hurt people who get too close so that they leave. It seems only natural to me. Being alone is something I should be used to by now, but I am not. I feel so sick of my life and my problems and people keep telling me to just "accept" everything nice people say about me, accept their help. Its so damn hard they have no idea. If I could just change my mind, change my perspective, change my bloody brain chemistry then I would have done it already. I know what's wrong with me, I just don't think I can convince anyone of how bad I really feel. Maybe I'm lying to me too. Maybe I'm not really upset or depressed or hating my life. Maybe I am happy. Maybe THIS is happy. It's been so long that I've almost forgotten what it feels like. Not to say I haven't had moments where I've been happier, but REALLY happy seems like an impossibility. It's funny how all of the problems I face wind up being my own fault, whether this is a fabrication or not is irrelevant. I somehow CHOSE to be miserable didn't I? Maybe I was cursed from the get-go, to experience hardship that is supposed to test my ability to overcome. We're not supposed to be given any burden we cannot handle, then why can't I deal with it? What am I not doing?

And yes, I will be giving this to my T next week when I see him.