In a small way, Unguy, I do get it. I'm getting old now. All of my life, I have known that I was what we now refer to as: "transsexual". Of course, when I was young, the term "transsexual" had not yet even been invented. I just knew that, inside, I was a girl. Somehow, I don't know how, I learned very early that this was something I must never talk about. And so I kept it a closely guarded secret basically for 60 years, while it ever so slowly ate me alive me from the inside out.

About 3 or 4 years ago, I stumbled onto the "transsexual community" on YouTube. I was astounded. Here was a whole group of people who had the same condition I had struggled with all of my life. I wanted desperately to become a part of that "community". I subscribed to every trans channel I could find & began watching all of their videos & leaving comments, etc. Gradually I started to become familiar with some of these YouTubers to the point where we would exchange private messages & e-mails back & forth.

But the problem was that as a 60 year old married man, I felt (& still feel) that it is too late for me to make any kind of transition. Whenever I would begin to gain the attention of one of those transitioning YouTubers, they would attempt to convince me that it's never too late to transition. And when it would become apparent that I was just not going to budge, they would drop me & move on.

At this point, it appears to me that what was then the transsexual community, on YouTube, has largely gone by the wayside. But I don't subscribe to trans YouTube channels anymore. So I don't know, really, if the community has gone by the wayside, or if I just don't see it because I don't sub those channels.

Because of my life-long transsexuality, I have always been uncomfortable around men... especially groups of men. But I clearly don't fit in with women either. I've felt pretty much like an outcast all of my life. Even my marriage was, in a sense, a lie, because I kept the secret from my wife as well as from everyone else. And when, finally, I stumbled onto a group of people like myself, & desperately wanted to belong, they spurned me. It still stings...

I know this isn't the same as what you've experienced. Although I will say that it has driven me through 2 major suicide attempts plus a whole string of self-harming behaviors. So it has had an impact. I don't have any answers to offer you, either. I have no answers for myself. I just wanted to share this story with you & tell you that I think I do have some sense of your despair. I live with it every day as well.