Saw my pdoc today and i asked to stop the saphris. She said i need to be on an AP pretty much forever, so if not saphris i'll have to pick another. I don't see any point in changing because saphris is fine, i want off all of them not a switch to another one. She gave me the typical "if it were diabetes would you want to stop your meds" talk, which i understand but i also find highly annoying and oversimplified. So i said if it were diabetes i could try lifestyle management to bring down the glucose, the treatment is not always insulin. I said that i think it was a series of very stressful events that triggered my major episodes, and as long as i keep my stress level low i should be fine. So she said that there are always stresses in life and bad stuff happens unpredictably, but that my reactions to things are too extreme when off meds. She said that most people don't require hospitalization to cope with stress. She told me i need to have more acceptance and stop being so hard on myself. She said i will always have a vulnerable brain, and the combo of lacmictal, wellbutrin, and an AP is probably permanent. She said if i don't like saphris we can try latuda.

Anyways, it wasn't what i wanted to hear. I don't like to think of my brain as vulnerable. I think my brain is pretty strong and resilient to have bounced back from some pretty extreme states and still br functioning pretty well. I don't likd being told i am sick. She said accept the chronic condition, but don't let it define me.

I guess part of me hasn't accepted it yet. I have a really hard time distinguishing the libe between my regular life experiences and illness. It's so blurry. I don't want to medicate my life away, but i don't want to be hospitalized or get sick enough to require other people to take care of me.

How do i get to acceptance? How do i lower my expectations for myself and what is possible for my life?

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