Counseling has helped.

The ideal would be for me to find another job before I make the final mistake, but face it, my attitude really sucks right now.

Employee misconduct -- God, I hate those words. My boss was telling me the importance of being reliable and arriving to work on time. I know that. I wasn't trying to be rude or inconsiderate. I didn't plan on shirking my extra shifts. I realize it was my fault for forgetting but I hate that everyone seems to think that I am choosing to do this. I don't like that I did this.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of trying so hard and wanting so much to do my job well, only to make some enormous mistake like this. I'm tired of constantly worrying about what I'm forgetting or what I'm doing wrong or how I'm unknowingly alienating people. I'm tired of being afraid to ask for help. I'm tired of feeling like I'm bothering people simply by existing. I just want to get away from it so I don't feel like this anymore. I don't want to be the person that everyone resents and tries to avoid, even if I know I deserve it. It hurts and I just want to stop hurting.

I'd love to change, but I simply don't have the energy or the knowledge to do so. I know it's my fault and I'm doing my best to correct it, but I have a feeling my best isn't going to be good enough. People seem to be overestimating how much control I have. They seem to want to believe I secretly take pleasure in being an inconvenient pest. I don't. I don't want this. I am trying to change, but I'm too exhausted from guessing what I'm supposed to be doing only to get it wrong most of the time.