I can't seem to commit to any one particular branch of emotions for more than twenty minutes...

I had a really good session. Talked about all my concerns, challenged my therapist on several different things that were confusing and unfair boundary wise, and talked about my romantic transference.

It was the sweetest rejection I could ever have imagined Somehow, it was not awkward, or weird, or cold. She was totally normal with me, as in warm and positive and loving. Touched my cheek on the way in as usual, which reassured me that she doesn't see me as somebody who should be on some kind of sex offender's register And then later, asked delicate questions as to whether the touching is difficult for me now, as it's recently she has started doing more touching. I experience the touch as very maternal or like a sister, so no, I don't think it's part of the problem. I certainly would feel more aggrieved and devastated if I suddenly became an untouchable.

So she reinforced the ethics around how she would never get involved with a client, and gave me a little story to illustrate this, about a man from years back who she was very attracted to, who kept asking her out and she kept saying no. And how colleagues said, well you could date him six months after (I know, I thought it was two years, maybe in the UK it's different?) and she said no absolutely never. She said even if she got really drunk she would never **** my brains out - in fact, she said in her mind for a therapist to do that is pretty much child abuse, because we regress in therapy at times. So it is all crystal clear.

I felt really happy in the room. Safe and relieved she wasn't terminating or being icy, that she's able to talk about this in a way that feels comfortable. And in a way that bizarrely made me feel comfortable - I mean, who knew? That someone can explain how they don't find you attractive and for it to still feel okay?!

She wanted to give me the money from Mr Rich Client again, and I said no, and she's respecting that. And I asked bluntly if she resented me for not paying, hence all the ebay/pa stuff, and she said it had occurred to her too and she had taken it into supervision and checked it out, but it was not the case. She also gave me a more detailed picture of her medical situation, the why she has cancelled appointments lately and been less available. Regarding the personal self disclosure stuff, she said sometimes she wonders why she has said a particular thing, and that sometimes she gets the balance wrong, but she basically said she feels the kind of relationship we have is very frank and works better that way.

So I got a lot of answers. I left feeling loved - platonically - so I don't seem to have lost anything.

I'm fine about everything in many ways, and then I get a sharp stab of grief (I think that's what it is?) at my unrequited love and it floors me

It seems really counter-intuitive to keep going back to this person who doesn't love me that way. Anyone else, I'd know what to do - hide their facebook, delete their phone number, avoid sending drunk emails. Avoid avoid avoid and then the sting of the rejection will go away. But in therapy it's we are told we can resolve it through working with the therapist? That sounds crazy. It's like repeatedly climbing back into the frying pan!

How do I work out if I'm nobly pressing on in working with her because there's a chance to do some great work, or if I'm just using that as an excuse to keep seeing her? I literally don't know!