Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
Unattached anger doesn't get resolved. It's blind, undifferentiated rage. Specific moments of anger attached to specific moments of injury get resolved. Perhaps he's trying to get to the underlying hurts that inspire the anger in order to deconstruct them and for you to experience such moments together: a hurt and its attached anger (and any other feelings so attached), so that they can be healed.
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Hi Lamplighter,
I'm quoting what feralkittymom has said because I was thinking along the same lines as her and want to add to her comment.
The kind of anger you are describing is a really diffuse anger about not getting your needs met. The needs are repressed, so there is nothing to hear; nothing to listen too. That's why it seems like he isn't hearing you.
Example (this is a random topic I chose): a person feels alone in the world and a conversation about an upcoming holiday comes up. The person doesn't recognize the aloneness, so expresses anger about holiday advertising. Only it doesn't stop there; the anger will range from traffic to capitalism. Presented to a therapist, he knows the anger has nothing to do with traffic or capitalism. You just know.
I believe your T is doing the right thing by trying to help you access what's behind the anger. Like FKM said, you can only do that with directed anger. This anger is diffuse; think of it as all the disavowed aloneness of the person in the example above, but spread out (diffuse) over all interactions throughout the entire week.
Sorry if it sounds dismissive to say there is "nothing" to hear or listen too. It's just that the things you are angry about might not have anything to do with the anger. If that's the case, then it can't be listened too. I don't know how else to explain it, but I hope you get to the bottom of it soon!
edited to add:
I found someone who explains this much better:
Quote:
When children have to cope with dysfunctional parents—especially when the mother is demanding and the father is absent physically or emotionally—they learn to suppress their own needs and capitulate to the needs of the parents. Essentially, the children learn that hiding their true thoughts and feelings is the surest way to survive.
Eventually, the child will carry this emotional hiding right into adulthood, where it will cause frustrating difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Always holding back your true thoughts and feelings, you will feel constantly misunderstood. And then something odd happens. Blind to your own psychological defenses, and unable to see your role in the communication difficulties, you will blame others for everything. “It’s your fault!” You will always be at odds with others because, in blaming them, you fail to see that you are unconsciously speaking the angry words—“It’s your fault!”—you feared so deeply to say to you own parents. |