I denied the BP dx for years. First dx'ed at 18, spent a year in and out of hospitals, fought them tooth and nail on the dx because I never got manic! I thought, anyway, because I was never happy, just sometimes I was tired and miserable and sometimes I was energetic and miserable. Knowing what I know now I probably spent a fair amount of time in antidepressant-induced mixed states. Anyway once I got ECT and recovered from my childhood trauma I figured THEY were the crazy ones!!

Made it six years, each worse than the last in terms of stability. Last year I had what I now recognize as a bad mixed episode, followed by my first ever euphoric hypomania! At that point I had to conclude maybe they were right six years ago.

Even after all I've gone through this year, even after repeatedly going off meds and ways getting depressed, after the psychotic mania, after my most recen med-ditching/hypomanic episode....there is still part of me that refuses to believe.

I don't know. It sucks is all.