Oh I know this is how it is, and how it has to be. And I have to learn to accept it gracefully and not be a teenager about it! I dunno, I think it just feeds into my fear that I am unloveable in the romantic sense. I know my friends love me, my sister, my brother, even my mum does in her own way despite our awful relationship. I don't know why I feel unloveable romantically, I have had my heart broken once but now I wouldn't touch him with someone else's bargepole! I can see how our relationship was not rooted in sustainable love at all. With my other serious relationship, it was me who called off the wedding and broke his heart. I suppose there have been a handful of other rejections that were painful that this reminds me of? People just can't love me as a romantic partner

But then, this is why I value the feelings I have for my therapist. They feel different - like I have fallen in love in a mature way. I love her and I do sometimes have sexual thoughts about her, but they feel like an expression of connection between two human beings, and I want to protect her and keep her safe from everything, and I want to go on accepting all the love (different kind, obviously) she gives me. My other instances of falling in love were not this balanced, they were childish. So maybe, this is just a life lesson I have to learn - how to fall in love with someone in a healthy sustainable way. And then I can bring that information with me to my next relationship, because I'll have a clearer idea of knowing what healthy balanced love should feel like.

My brother thinks the therapy room can be a place to learn how to love. I think I agree.