I saw my therapist today. I enjoy going, but I tend to leave a little confused and thinking about the interpretations he gives me. I won't be able to see him for 6 weeks because he is going away, and then I will be taking a course so I can't make it to my regular appointment time. He said I should email him anything that comes up, and we can look at the emails next time I see him. I'm still processing the session, but I'm feeling torn and ambivalent. My therapist and pdoc have very different interpretations of the cause of my problem. T thinks trauma and neglect in childhood, and pdoc thinks bipolar as a brain disease. T thinks with enough therapy I can learn to take better care of myself. Pdoc says if I stop meds and have stress, another episode could happen. T says that I shouldn't talk about it that way, because episodes don't just happen - he said I can choose to say I will never repeat the behaviors again. He thinks it's important to use language that way so that I have agency over what happens, and I'm not just at the mercy of unpredictable brain chemistry. It's very confusing for me to develop a working narrative when I am getting such conflicting interpretations. But I like both of them, and I don't know who I should choose to believe.

I've posted about this on here before and got a lot of feed back, mostly from people who think my T is crazy and I should listen to my pdoc. It is so much more complicated than it seems. I don't really know how to explain... I know that the methods my therapist wants to use are not traditional and trusting him is risky, but I feel compelled to take the risk. He once told me that I am counterphobic... so maybe it's my counterphobic tendencies at play here. I don't want to live a life that is just safe and stable. I want so much more. I think my therapist understands what I want. Pdoc only understands the goal of reducing symptoms and improving function, she doesn't understand my existential problems. She doesn't understand that I am searching for meaning and intensity, and that I want my life to be an adventure.

I might to be programmed to self destruct... but I want to do it in interesting ways. Living safely is soul destroying in it's own way, so regardless of what I choose it will be difficult to remain intact.