Yes - thank you for that!

I assume he's comfortable with transference, but really I don't know. We (I) actually don't talk about it.

I'm seeing how I might have been doing things backwards these two years. I'd never really felt anything for or with my old therapist. With this one, so many thoughts and feelings were suddenly activated. I found this fascinating and read everything I could get my hands on about transference. But that's made me self-conscious about it, so I've preferred to observe my reactions to him by myself, doing a kind of inexpert self-analysis. And I assume that he's observing it, too, and that it's understood in a session that when we're talking about dad, husband, cashier at the grocery store, we're actually talking about him. How backwards is that!

I also wanted to respond to this:

"So it may not be a need for you to reach toward him, but to reach into yourself to articulate your feelings and then explore what the origins may be."

I appreciate that so much with my reasonable brain, but that's the smaller part of my brain at the moment. The thought of it makes me feel scared and lonely. I don't want to reach into myself alone. If that's what he's getting at, I'm not ready. I want to reach towards him and then proceed together. I feel safe making those explorations in his office, but I'm not ready to do it alone. Even this tiny, subtle sense of withdrawal has made me feel so alone.

(I realize I'm saying I want him to be there for me even when I run away. Ugh!)