That's a very nice story. No one has ever done anything like that for me. But I can't accept it. I just can't. I would rather carry this stuff by myself. I don't deserve it because I am terrible. I am broken and messed up and can't give back. I am alone and abandoned. I have nothing except the things I have managed to scrape together these past few years. I am putting myself through college along with paying for my own housing, rent, and therapy, and working full time. I have no worth or value. And it is up to me to make my life work, not some random lady I have dragged into the middle of my mess. That is the definition of unfair: "You have to deal with me and all my crap, and I won't even pay you for it...but ethically you have to because that's the rules." I can't do that to her. I would rather die than force her to be in that position. I don't deserve any better than that. I deserve to be abandoned and left alone. That is all I have ever received. It is confusing to me when she won't readily do that, yet insists it is because she cares or wants to be there for me. I don't want her to do that. It's much easier to be rejected.

It's only two months, and so I know for a fact I won't always be pro bono. It's just May and June that I won't be able to pay.

I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.