That's a very nice story. No one has ever done anything like that for me. But I can't accept it. I just can't. I would rather carry this stuff by myself. I don't deserve it because I am terrible. I am broken and messed up and can't give back. I am alone and abandoned. I have nothing except the things I have managed to scrape together these past few years. I am putting myself through college along with paying for my own housing, rent, and therapy, and working full time. I have no worth or value. And it is up to me to make my life work, not some random lady I have dragged into the middle of my mess. That is the definition of unfair: "You have to deal with me and all my crap, and I won't even pay you for it...but ethically you have to because that's the rules." I can't do that to her. I would rather die than force her to be in that position. I don't deserve any better than that. I deserve to be abandoned and left alone. That is all I have ever received. It is confusing to me when she won't readily do that, yet insists it is because she cares or wants to be there for me. I don't want her to do that. It's much easier to be rejected.

Pardon my French, but B.S. You "can"accept this gift; you are choosing not to. You are the person saying you have no value or worth. That isn't coming from your therapist. She is NOT some random person in your life. She is important in your life and she is offering this help. You are not "dragging" her into this, nor are you "forcing" her to make this offer. Hate to tell you this, but you are not so powerful that you can control her mind and her decisions.

It's only two months, and so I know for a fact I won't always be pro bono. It's just May and June that I won't be able to pay.


I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.