I can tell that this is really, really hard for you. Sometimes it takes a loooong time before we can change the way we think about ourselves when it is so set in. My therapist once told me that I was like someone with cortical blindness, when the eyes can see, but the brain can't process the images. Now that I've progressed, that's really what it was like. People could tell me something, but if it didn't make sense to me, it was like it didn't exist. The way I saw it was the only possible reality.

Even though you can't see it yet, you do deserve the help and support that she is willing to give. Therapy is hard, it's incredibly hard. It takes enormous bravery to face fears like the ones you're describing, but if you go with a willingness to hear what your therapist has to say about this without deciding for her, that's what you're doing, you're being brave. For me, that's what therapy has been all about.

Life really doesn’t have to be so hard, it can be better…and you deserve that. But I know that I’ve had to accept help so that I could get to a place where things are better. It’s so easy to feed the negative fears, to continue finding things that will prove that the fears are true, or to run from the fears and still be certain that they are true (and so it was right to run). It’s hard not to run and to stand and face those fears…but I’ve found that confronting them, just allowing the smallest bit of space for another possible outcome, is what has kept me moving forwards.