Quote:
Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79
I feel torn between wanting my bf (age 46) to move out and wanting him to stay. I love him deeply and I have no doubt that he loves me too. He loves me in spite of my BPD. He promises he will never leave me and I believe him. Being with him relieves my fear of abandonment and of being alone. The relationship brings me a sense of comfort and security that helps to keep me grounded and focused. He helps me around the house, helps with my kids, helps pay the bills, and is just there for me in general. He holds me when I’m upset, gives me space when I want to be alone and is beside me when I wake up with nightmares. He tolerates my never ending mood swings, my outbursts of rage and my sometimes cold, hateful words. All of that being said, he is struggling with his own undiagnosed mental health issues, and I think we feed off of each other’s negativity. He has an issue with lying. Couple that with my paranoia and I find myself questioning everything he says to me. Yesterday he lied to my teenage daughter about some candy that went missing from her bedroom. He told her he didn’t know what happened to the candy, when in fact he is the one that took it. Two years ago I suspected him of taking a handheld Nintendo and games that belong to my pre-teen son. He very well could be innocent, but the strong circumstantial evidence pointed to him having taken the game, so for the last two years every time my son has lost something I wonder if my bf took it. I see him lie to and manipulate other people to get things he wants. I’ve seen him steal things from work (gloves, batteries, safety glasses, etc) and he says he’s entitled to these things because he doesn’t get paid enough for the job he does. He feels like he was dealt a crappy hand in life and because of that the world owes him something. He uses people and then discards them when he’s done. Me and my children could make it financially without him, because I work two jobs. If he moves out, I don’t think he could make it financially without me unless he gets a second job. Because of this, my brother (who is my best friend) says my bf is using me. I don’t know if he is or not, because I have a hard time standing back and looking at the bigger picture of what’s going on in my life. My brother looks at my life and very plainly says to me, “you are living with a lying thief who is using you and you need to kick him out.” For me it’s not that simple; I think about all of my faults and all the things he puts up with out of me and I wonder if I’m a hypocrite if I’m not understanding of his faults in return. My brain tells me to get rid of him and my heart tells me to keep him. I don’t know what to do. If you’ve managed to make it to the end of this, advice is much appreciated.
|
IMHO, it sounds like he needs therapy, not that you should kick him out. i would sit back and weight the pros and the cons and make a decision from there..
so lets take a quick look...
pros
helps with the bills
helps with the kids
tolerates cold words
tolerates mood swings
relieves fear of abandonment
gives you comfort and security
keeps you grounded so you can focus
cons
tells lies
steals things
lies to manipulate people
from an impartial standpoint, both you guys need each other or to put it another way, are using each other & that's ok, not in a bad way or is it a bad thing, i see it as he would have a hard time making it financially without you &
you probably will have a hard time making it emotionally without him, i'll put it to you like this, don't be so quick to put someone out because they have faults, we all do..this is the mistake i made with my ex and i'm sitting here all alone as i type this, suffering. should he have stole the candy, of course not.
is it the end of the world, no. maybe he took the game, maybe he didn't but that bears the burden of proof. it sounds like he just needs some help, too. if you could get him to get diagnosed that would be great, talk to him about it.
yes he could be a lying thief, this is true & that sounds bad, but it could be much much worse, good luck
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
