Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in awhile. I hope you're all doing well.

I am in the termination phase with my T since I am graduating, with just 5 sessions left after 3 years with her. I am so depressed about the end and am looking at it like the end of my life, as dramatic as that sounds. Counseling is one of the most important parts of my life to me, and I feel like my T is the only one that truly knows who I am and cares about me despite that. It kills me that I can't "keep" her; I worked so hard to get close to her.

The past few months with her have been so hard. I am trying so hard to tell her how upset I am about the end, but I just can't explain it or get the words out. I don't know if she would believe me. And I feel like I'm withdrawing- yesterday I came in and just sat in silence, which is not something that I would usually do. I was having a tough time saying anything at all, and I felt like I was in so much pain. I am having a harder time connecting with her, which is the last thing that I want to be saying right now. I wanted to end in the best way possible, but I'm throwing my limited sessions away, and when I'm by myself again I become devastated that I wasted my time not saying much. If I have a good session, I'm still devastated because soon I won't have that anymore. It's so emotionally draining.

Two weeks ago I said that I was afraid she would forget about me after awhile. She said that she thinks she will remember me for the long term because she knows how much I have tried throughout our years together, and how much meaning I have found in our experience. I secretly hoped I was personally meaningful to her because of the intensity of my feelings for her. She said not many clients want to talk about the relationship as much as I do (maybe it's this way because she works with college students? I was very surprised). But after yesterday's session, I'm afraid she will want to take it back that she will remember me. I don't know if I deserve that after acting so distant.

The worst of it is that I have gotten into a pattern over a year ago where I no longer look at her at all, and my posture is terrible to protect myself. I've been trying different things to change this, and she has tried a lot too. I've had little tiny successes, but for the most part I feel like a failure because I'm starting to get even more anxious. I should trust her enough to be able to do something so simple as look around the room. She knows that I'm more uncomfortable around her than pretty much anyone else, but it's my last wish with her to work through this fear. I just feel like I'm letting her down, and she will think that we actually don't have that strong of a relationship. She wants to be the one to help me through this as much as I want her to be. I don't want to leave with this stain on our relationship.

I don't really know what I'm asking for with this thread, just somewhere to vent! I don't want to ruin this. Has anyone ever gotten worse around termination phase? What was it like to be on your way out?