We all hurt people but if you feel really bad about it perhaps try spending some time away from her. Sometimes even when you try to change your own behavior it comes out just from habit and so I've often found some separation makes it easier to fix later.

And also, you aren't a failure for not being able to send the message. I have spent many night staring at the send button to my own messages trying to force my hand to click the button. It can be extremely difficult but I promise you beating yourself up over it will never make it easier. If anything it puts more pressure on you to be able to do it. Give yourself some time. Rationalize it and let it sit. You want to tell someone. You want acceptance for it but you're afraid of whatever he will say. Whatever he will do. You would rather someone reach out first for you. Don't wait for it because you can never be sure it will ever come. Would you rather die without being able to really tell someone how you feel? It's all about what you value more in the end because if you want it enough, you will carve your own way there. It may take time. It will cause you a lot of pain but you'll be stronger for it.

I have come to realize that for the time that I was extremely depressed and at my lowest moment I was really just a dead woman walking. I wasn't living. I was so locked in by my fears and anxieties that they became bigger than the problems they represented and that is when I fell. I was too afraid to move and because of it I decided I wasn't worth moving. I fell and fell and drowned and wished for someone to save me but no one ever did. This is your life, your story. People will mentor you and teach you but you are the main character. You aren't broken, just bruised. You will be the one to save yourself.

But I will warn you saying that if you begin to enjoy thinking about your own death that is a very precarious situation. I have been there. When you find comfort in your depression that means you've stopped fighting it. Getting rid of depression is being able to take all the pieces that it has ripped up and glue them back together with love and nurturing hands. And you cannot fight it if you start to enjoy it. Don't crawl into that hole because it's an endless pit of despair.