Dear T,

Soooooooo.....I have decided I will probably never get therapy. Like the point. I feel like I went in there being "myself" - keeping very strong boundaries as that's what I believe is essential for me to be safe. I can't get close to people because I AM CRAZY, T! But no one believes me when I give off the vibe that says, "Stay away - I'm dangerous. I will be hurtful even when I don't mean to be. It's inevitable. Honestly - I'm a very bad person. Just.stay.away." They think I look too normal or fine, I guess...I dunno. Or maybe they think they can "fix" me

Then it ends badly. I hurt people because I can't connect. I do stupid things. I say the wrong ****. I'm ****ed up, T. I know I'm not likable. I know I'm insufferable. I feel guilty for subjecting myself into your professional life. I see that scared look on your face sometimes and it breaks my heart. Especially since you seemed to try to get me to loosen the boundaries so they weren't so rigid...I resisted so much. You persisted. I explained why I needed to keep you at arm's length the best I could, but you pressed in. This went on for months and months until finally I cracked. I let myself be more vulnerable...

But I'm pretty sure I freaked you out now.

I probably caused some problem by being too open. Too much. ****ing needy. T! You know from early on I've been pleading with you to see that I'm a bad person and you wouldn't believe me. Why?? I did it because I didn't want to hurt you - to cause you difficulties. To subject you to the intensity of those issues for which I literally have no words. Now that I gave up the fight, I'm pretty sure you can see what a weirdo I am and I just creep you out you don't know how to rid yourself of me and I don't know how to just leave as I have this almost hard-wired, driven need that compels me to resolve this. Now what??

Sorry, but I *did* warn you....