Wow.. it's been so long since my last post. I am usually in the Bipolar area because up until a few months ago I was under the impression that i had Bipolar I.

A little back story: Between the years 2008-2011, I suffered severe manic/psychotic episodes and was hospitalized 4 times for them. I was diagnosed with BP1 my first visit to the ER in 2008, and was prescribed an arsenal of meds to help me stabilize. I was also using a lot of drugs and drinking heavy amounts of alcohol on the weekends (I was in my first year of University). In 2009, I was diagnosed with BPD ontop of my BP1 diagnosis. Then in 2010, the psych ward doctors became convinced that I was schizophrenic. The specialist I was referred too didn't agree in any way, he just told me that I was "severely depressed". There was a couple reservations I have always had about my diagnoses , the main ones being my drug use at the time (I have been clean from drugs/alcohol since Dec 2011, and subsequently episode free), and the fact that my episodes appeared to be textbook mania/psychosis.. however, what I was experiencing inside wasn't typical manic thoughts. Also, every time I ended up bringing myself to the hospital (which is not typical in full blown mania).

Anyways, long story short.. the professionals in my life, after following me for a long time, rejected all my previous diagnoses at the end of last year, calling my episodes "drug induced psychosis". We then made a very difficult decision for me to go off my medications, which I am on the tail end of doing now. I've been on so many meds the past 6 years. This decision was one of the hardest in my life because it was the first time in 6 years that I was told that the medications may not be necessary anymore. The transition has been very positive so far, apart from some sleep issues, which I'm told not to worry about as long as I get some sleep. I'm now almost off my third and last mood stabilizer (also the one I have been on the longest), have been off my antipsychotic for about 6 months, and have been off of my other mood stabilizer for about 2 months.

Yesterday, I was thrown a curve ball by my psych (who I've been seeing every week for almost 4 years) - he says that he's been doing a lot of research about my episodes and that he strongly believes that my episodes were a result of "agitated depression/unipolar depression/akathesia" (which was drug induced, rather than organic)

I was just as confused as you might be right now (lol). I had NO idea what that was.. and I thought I knew every type of depression in the book! Anyways, he went on for a long time about it and I took some notes. Here's some of what I got:

-Can be chronic or organic, can also be drug induced (symptoms of organic would be consistent)*
*can be induced by anti-depression/psychotropic meds as well as narcotics
-extremely persistant
-activated angry depression
-inner dialogue: self-hatred
-can involve pacing, hand ringing, moving
-often involves a short fuse- most confusing aspect of it
-thought process is the key aspect in diagnosing this condition
-volatile
-off and on
-person must manage stress levels, or they can have an episode (of severe mania/psychosis)
-episodes can occur as a result of stress and/or anger and/or growing stress level and demand
-episodes involve depressive internal thinking and severe anger
*hallmarks of episodes* = negative inner dialogue but on the outside the person appears enraged, and can even act happy (but this is difficult to sustain). Rebellious angry attitude. When peaking: heightened anti-authority. If attached to someone (ex: relationship), can become very clingy.
-alcohol/drug use is common
-self-hatred, coming into stress, feelings of impending failure, drug use peaks, lots of anger = cumulative effect can result in an episode
-typically checks themselves into hospital, only place they feel safe. Often though process is that of "go get help, go somewhere"

Anyways, I hope I didn't bore anyone too much.. I would just like ANY feedback from anyone. What now? I'm just so unbelievably lost. Any words will help me.

Thanks for listening.