Your post takes me back to the 1970s when I made a mistake at work & knew it would cost me my job. I ran lighting for mostly singers and some comedians in Las Vegas/Reno/Tahoe. Big money, BIG responsibilities. I drank a lot in those days, but important people kept hiring me because I was so good. Really really good.

I blew a follow spot light on Tony Bennett at Harrah's Main Showroom at Lake Tahoe. I may have blacked out briefly, I never figured out what happened, but suddenly I realized my spot was on the drummer, not Bennett.

I finished the show with no mistakes but didn't even try to pick up a paycheck. I left town, took my pets and a couple suitcases of stuff. After a week or so of wandering between Arizona and California, I ended up finding an AA mtg south of San Francisco and finally admitted I was an alcoholic and asked for help. A woman there with 30+ yrs sobriety took me home with her, settled my animals in with hers, and checked me into a longterm rehab.

About 20 yrs later, after my parents died, I drank for a month--the first time after rehab--and had to go through rehab again. Last month I marked 23 yrs sober.

Whatever caused the trouble at work & in the rest of your life, you can get better. You are here because of whatever's going on--depression, is that it? If you aren't being treated successfully, you need a new psychiatrist, a new therapist ... a better support system. DON'T GIVE UP. Your company may even pay for your treatment. Harrah's would have paid my costs--they'd asked me if I had a problem--but I was too proud to admit I needed help.