I noticed myself doing this many, many years ago. I'm so depressed most of the time, yet there is an odd and unnatural strength , maybe its not strength, maybe its a defence mechanism, because I am well aware of exactly when I am doing this blocking and shoving down intense emotions. I feel like if I don't, I will collapse and absolutely lose it.

Just going to places like Walmart is absolute torture to me. So many things, at every possible corner bring up a deep mourning inside of me....everything reminds me of of everyone I love. I walk down the isles and have to hold everything in. I feel like I am going to pass out, yet I don't. I suppress the emotion as soon as it envelops me, until I spot something else that will trigger the emotions and I block it again.

I don't know what this is, but I have noticed it for many years.

I guess I feel like people think I don't feel emotions or something, but I very much do. If I allow all of it to overcome me, I know I am not strong enough to withstand it. I know I will break in half. I feel like I will die from the grief. Sometimes I wish I would just allow myself to. I know I am so close.