It's just so difficult.

I can't tell you how to get there, but if you can put aside everything that has come before, and quiet yourself, visualize letting go of all the disappointments and negative thoughts and fears, be in the present moment of each of your remaining sessions, and let yourself feel whatever you feel, I think you'll be more satisfied in hindsight. If you can do that until your final session, you may be in a place at that time to look at your T. You may be able to let yourself look at her as a gift for both of you, instead of an insurmountable fear.

I can only tell you that I felt much the same, and I also had tremendous difficulty with eye contact. The circumstances were different, but what made it possible for me to sustain looking at him in our last session was that in my mind, the focus wasn't on me anymore, nor on the past: it was solidly in the present moment with an awareness of sharing the gift of that sight connection and of creating a memory for the future.