Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
It's just so difficult. 
I can't tell you how to get there, but if you can put aside everything that has come before, and quiet yourself, visualize letting go of all the disappointments and negative thoughts and fears, be in the present moment of each of your remaining sessions, and let yourself feel whatever you feel, I think you'll be more satisfied in hindsight. If you can do that until your final session, you may be in a place at that time to look at your T. You may be able to let yourself look at her as a gift for both of you, instead of an insurmountable fear.
I can only tell you that I felt much the same, and I also had tremendous difficulty with eye contact. The circumstances were different, but what made it possible for me to sustain looking at him in our last session was that in my mind, the focus wasn't on me anymore, nor on the past: it was solidly in the present moment with an awareness of sharing the gift of that sight connection and of creating a memory for the future. |
Thank you for sharing your experience, feralkittymom.
I do have such limited time left, and what you say makes sense: I shouldn't waste it in disappointment. I should be present and live fully in that hour that I have with her. It's weird how hard it is for me- when I get there, I sometimes feel like I'm thinking or speaking in slow motion, and I zone out. Other times I feel intense fear. But sometimes I am able to feel my genuine sadness though.
Anyway, I really like what you said about the eye contact being a gift for both of us. This is part of the reason why it bothers me so much that I can't look at her- I think she deserves to have this gift, and I feel like it's an insult to her that I haven't been able to give it, though I really want to. But if I really concentrate on all that she has done for me, maybe I'll be able to believe she's a safe enough person in the session.
Your experience really gave me hope because now I see what kind of a mindset I need to have in order to look at my T. If I can take myself out of the equation and think only of creating a memory, I think I can do it. I really appreciate your help!