Quote:
Originally Posted by zombie paloma
This is another post about being in love with my therapist. It is not a fleeting admiration, it is a hit-by-a-train when I see her situation.
She knows I feel this way. We have discussed transference and the unfair nature of the relationship. This hasn't helped. I had a good month last month and made lots of progress, she suggested we see each other once a fortnight, I felt like my heart had dropped out through my arse. Things have gone downhill since then. Last session consisted of me sitting in silence gritting my teeth and not being able to look her in the eye. I detest this feeling so much, I want to quit, but then I'll never see her again, but then I'm angry with her and I want her to miss me. I should probably discuss this with her, but it won't change how I feel about her. All of these irrational and needy thoughts are making me very angry with myself, it makes me feel pathetic.
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I'm going to have to agree with Skies here. Talking about my feelings for my T has helped SO MUCH. It didn't help at first, it felt so awkward and exposing but over time I started to realize my feelings were warranted and accepted even though they weren't going to be returned. If you think your T is capable of managing your feelings (mine has proven to be, thank God) then I would suggest really allowing yourself to feel them and talk about them as openly as you can.
For me, I reached a turning point when I acknowledged that my feelings aren't about
him so much as how he makes me
feel. I also lost a lot of the shame my feelings caused me when I started to understand there's a big difference between intentions and feelings. I have loving feelings for my therapist but I have no intention to do anything with those feelings. I have learned to be less judgmental of my feelings because my endearment for him has helped me feel closer to someone and makes me want to work hard for someone I respect.
I've also talked about my feelings of neediness (like you described) in that I wanted him to like me (not romantically), wanted him to think I was working hard enough, wanted to know I mattered to him outside sessions, etc. I found it all very healing to talk about.
It comes and goes, but I currently don't feel pathetic about my feelings for him at all, though I truly used to. I see them as a healthy part of a therapeutic bond and an essential part of MY experience, even though many people claim not to experience transference at all. It didn't happen overnight and I talked about my feelings for him (in some capacity) at nearly every session for months. His patience never wavered and we had the same conversations dozens of times. But it helped. And I "love" "him" more than ever. And that's okay.
I wonder if it's possible for you to start to change your relationship to your feelings and stop beating yourself up over them?
