I feel for you, mtd. Perhaps you could go to a therapist and get some kind of exposure therapy where you could practice holding hands or something. I don't know. It's hard to find people you can trust, including therapists. I was emotionally abused as a child and the worst thing it did to me was make me feel like I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. That's been the most difficult thing for me to get over. I tend to keep people at a distance. Like the old Simon and Garfunkel song:

I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.